


Ghost of a Chance

by rhapshie



Series: Memoir of the Living [2]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Don't even try to argue with me!, M/M, Ogata loves himself a bottom that can put him in his place, Side Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-04-08 10:05:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14103030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhapshie/pseuds/rhapshie
Summary: Ogata's self discovery into finally acknowledging that he's an absolute buffoon who knows nothing of social interaction and what to do when a feeling of love for someone other than himself finally comes to take his heart hostage.(This is a side story to This Time, Together)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please take your time to read the previous work in this series, _[This Time, Together](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13722060/chapters/31524441)_. It will shed a lot of light context-wise. Chapter 1 of this story covers chapter 1-11 in the main.
> 
> I will be updating this as the main story goes on just to finalise what's going on in the background, something that I didn't really touch on too much in the just to keep it focused on Hikaru and Sai.
> 
> I feel a little bad for spamming the HikaGo tag, but just a little. This story might end with explicit rating. Just a heads up.
> 
> Anyways, please drop comments and kudos if you enjoyed it ^^

When it comes to Ogata's taste in bed partner, he is quite transparent. Only one condition: no strings attached. He expects them to leave his apartment when the night comes to a close--no snuggles, no lingering touches, no sweet nothings. One may ask the reason why he refuses to have a steady partner or perhaps a friend-with-benefit. The answer is simple, really. Too much effort.

When it comes to his taste in lifelong partner however, expect a moment of silence. Ogata has resigned himself for a solitary life that revolves around Go. If he's lucky, perhaps he will one day encounter a woman who is just as passionate about the said board game as he is, which isn't really all that possible. Because Ogata prefers Go than he does human being and there is no plausible way he will be able to fit anything else inside his straightforward schedule. Especially not a girlfriend. It probably explains why he's in his 30s, drives a red Lamborghini and wears Louis Vuitton shoes on a daily basis but still oh-so-single.

However, the more accurate explanation is that Ogata will come as far as saying that he dislikes being around people. The only connection he is willing to exert any effort in is something that will benefit him, and his parents are the shining example of this. Now, he isn't about to point fingers and blame them for the lack of attention they lavished him with when he was little. In fact, Ogata feels indebted that he grows up to be a man with lacklustre social skill, as it allows him to focus on what truly matters.

People get unnerved around him. They categorise him as a sociopath and he can't blame them, neither is he going to deny the claim because it's true. And he has to admit that he revels in the way everyone seem to avoid him like the plague itself and scours away when he appears, because it means he doesn't have to. Ogata harbours no guilt or shame for the crude way he treats others so long as he obtains what he desires because he simply has no regard for their feelings. After all, Go players don't exactly need to be friendly or politically correct. They just need to be good at the game.

The closest he has to a friend is Touya Kouyo, and that only stretches as far as absolute respect and nothing more. The man himself has been nothing but kind to him, not pressing him to open up or indulge him in small talk, something that Ogata truly appreciates, because his entire existence has been devoted to Go, to perfecting his craft. Nothing can possibly satisfy him more than one brilliant game, one challenging opponent and one moment of focus that allows him to filter out everything around him until they are nothing more than a speck of dust in the vast universe.

Fujiwara Sai appeared and he agitates the harmony in Ogata's life, slowly stripping away his self control until he bursts.

It's not just because Sai is a force of nature who blows away anyone who dares stand in his path through his prowess of Go alone. Not even because he wields a sharpened sword that will cut even the toughest metal with precision, in one clean strike. His most formidable trait is his kindness, the unrelenting benevolence that is not restricted only for those who are dear to him. Through the time Ogata spent taking apart people's behaviours instead of engaging in a conversation, he can safely say that Sai's display of kindness is nothing but a sincerity that stems from his gentle soul. The man brims with affection that knows no bound, as if he has been starved of it for hundreds of years, locked away in a safe where no one can touch, see or hear him.

Never in Ogata's entire life has he ever been dazzled by the sun, because that is exactly what Sai is.

Initially, the only reason he spends time with Sai is to sate his own curiosity. He hungers to discover the source of his strength and if the mask he puts on conceals anything else aside from unconditional kindness. It has to. No one ever grows strong by foolishly trying to pick apart the good in the bad, accepting everyone who comes running at you with open arms without first investigating what daggers they are hiding behind their backs. Such traits will eventually be one's undoing. No one so gullible will be able to hold out for so long in the unforgiving world as it will clip their wings faster than they will even have the chance to take flight. That is how everything works as Ogata sees it. There is no room for good-natured amiability.

However, there is something about Sai. His kindness is not a weakness and neither will it be his undoing. In contrary, it is his whetstone. He uses his altruism to draw people to an arm's reach, and naivete a sponge that absorbs knowledge faster than Ogata can ever hope to. His very existence serves as an infinite loop of learning and teaching that only encourage others to establish a meaningful connection with him, in turn further enriching his expertise. When he speaks, he speaks with the wisdom of a man who has lived for a thousand years, entrancing Ogata and slowly pulling him into his grasp. Try as he might, he is unable to resist the hypnotism that wants nothing more than for him to finally confess that he is far too powerless in the face of such benignity.

Ogata finds himself trapped in a quicksand, and he is sinking, fast.

Sai is like a sledgehammer, like a wrecking ball that is capable of crushing the fortress that Ogata spends his entire life building to shield himself from the outside world. However, instead of reducing his defences into meaningless dust and leaving him naked, Sai knocks. A knock so gentle and soothing that Ogata finds himself unconsciously heading for the gate. Even when he tentatively palms the barricade securing it, Sai makes no attempt to chip his bastion away. He stands there, saying and doing nothing except smile at him, drawing his soul out of his throat, choking him with the foreign sensation of delicacy that leaves his bones tingling for more. So he opens the gate and looks at him through the rusted portcullis.

Sai is the white that is meant to be with Ogata's black.

As their fingers touch through the metal partition, Ogata finally learns what being vulnerable feels like.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers chapter 12-18 in the main story.
> 
> Please forgive these two! Sai might be decent at understanding emotions and Ogata excelling at it. But they're terrible at admitting their own feelings :P

Ogata loves the quiet in his life. It gives him the opportunity to observe others around him and see what kind of face they hide underneath the mask they put on display for the general public. When he isn't playing Go, which is quite rare indeed, he loves to sit in a cafe, sipping a cup of warm beverage as he watches every subtle movement in the clichéd slow-motion. Ogata can easily see through someone's lie and their insincerity; it disconcerts him how fake some people can be, and perhaps it is one of the reasons why he refuses to forge any long-lasting relationship. What might seem to others as a hindrance in real life, this is a skill that never fails him in Go—it's a weapon that he wields like a sword, branded and attached to the skin of his palm. He is nothing without his power of insight.

More than the quiet, Ogata finds himself loving the way Sai's eyes flare with ire, searing sharp little holes into his skin, and the way he smells like a mismatched fusion of lavender and alcohol as he pins him against the wall.

Perish the thought that Sai has no guts of his own. The man is indisputably bloodcurdling when the situation calls for it, and Ogata finds himself being tightly wrapped in strings that quickly start to encircle him and propping him up in the air, binding his arms and creeping towards his neck. He is powerless in face of Sai who displays nothing but the truth. In the time span that Ogata knows Sai, he never once picks up any trace of deceit or attempts to cover up his emotion. A trait that Ogata thought does not exist. A trait that Ogata loves, and hopes Sai never let go.

There is a lot more to Sai than undiscriminating kindness, Ogata learns. During practice matches, he has always been a patient and understanding teacher, but this is not the case when he sits in front of the Go-ban as a challenger. Sai's match against Touya Kouyo is the hard proof of that. The sheer intensity that burns in his eyes is more than enough to stun Ogata and light up the ember inside his heart, re-awakening his passion for Go, reminding him what there is to love about the game, that it is not just about raking up glory but it is a tool of self-expression and for Ogata, communication.

He might be a lost cause when it comes to interacting with others verbally, save those who are patient enough to deal with him for more than two seconds. But, when it comes to the Go-ban, he is capable of relaying so much more messages than he is able to with his voice. He can express his respect and admiration through the way he earnestly plays against worthy opponents, the disappointment through the sluggish manner in which he lays his stones, anger through how he picks up and clenches a black or white piece, mischief through playing odd stones that only serve to coax reactions out of his opponents.

Sure, he has emotions—unfortunately enough, and a selected few might even see a glimpse of it. How he will let his walls down momentarily to display sympathy for Akira after a bitter loss, how he grinds his teeth together in frustration after that damned Kuwabara lets his mouth run amok and how he always mock Shindou to find entertainment for himself. However, there is only one sensation that is most foreign to him, whether over the Go-ban or otherwise.

And that is the feeling of affection directed only to Sai and no one else.

Sai is not only teaching him how to break out of his painfully orthodox textbook Go but also to experience the warmth of others inside his soul, something that is foreign to Ogata, yet not completely unpleasant. Sai extends his hand for him to hold so he can open Ogata's blind eyes, encouraging him to overlook the flaws within others and instead learn to appreciate them beyond their imperfections.

Ogata doesn't realise that Sai has been trying to steal his attention for the past few minutes or so and after a few futile attempts, Sai resorts to leaning over Ogata's shoulder and into his ear to whisper his name softly.

"Seiji?"

The bespectacled man recoils when he feels the strange sensation of hot air and reflexively pulls away a few centimetres to the side after realising that Sai's chin is resting on his shoulder. Sai seems unaffected at the almost defensive reaction as he gives Ogata a small smile, not making any attempt to move.

Ogata shrugs, forcing Sai to retract away from him and back to his original sitting position. "Do you act like this around everyone?" He scoffs, taking off his glasses and cleans the lenses using his cotton shirt.

"Of course not," Sai giggles, closing the Go Weekly magazine sprawled on his lap and placing it next to the Go-ban on the coffee table. "It's amusing to see your reaction."

"Never pegged you for a sadist." Ogata sighs and puts his glasses back on as he idly eyes the TV currently broadcasting weekly NHK match, slowly getting used to someone else's presence in his usually abandoned apartment. Lately, whenever Shindou is at school, Sai takes the chance to come over to play a game or two or maybe three. Sometimes six. 

"But you're so stiff all the time," Sai continues giggling, pressing his fingers against his lips as he does so. "You can afford to loosen up a little sometimes."

Ogata exhales softly and extends his arms to let his fingers to reach the Go-ke and place a stone on the board just as the screen displays before he sinks into the couch. "I'll loosen up when I die." 

"And that's what's so charming about you." Sai says gently and sincerely, amethyst eyes sparkling with fondness, certainly something that Ogata never imagined will ever be directed at him. He expects Sai to reply with how he has to take life a little easier and that he will grow old before his time, just like how everyone else who thinks that they have the right to dictate how he should live his life will put it.

Sai accepts him just as how he is and doesn't feel the necessity to push him into changing into someone who he isn't. It's a notion baffling enough that Ogata decides to outright ask him the reason why.

Sai blinks in response and tilts his head sideways as if someone just asked him what the answer to one plus one is. "Because that's how you are able to play the Go you are playing, right?" He smiles and leans closer towards Ogata before his lips curl into a pout. "I might want to change your play style, but that doesn't mean I want you to abandon what you have. It's a very powerful asset and very frightening!"

Ogata's heart skips a beat when he sees the younger professional invading his personal space once more, this time proving to be a little effective than before as warmth rises to his cheeks, forcing Ogata to fold his hands and take an immediate stand, clearing his throat in an attempt to mask his fluster.

"I'm," He started, turning away from Sai. "Going to grab a beer."

Ogata practically sprints away from the living area to enter the kitchen and he rests both of his hands on the counter, slowly regaining his composure. He then slips his hand underneath his glasses to rub his eyes before going down to his chin, clicking his tongue in the process. He silently wonders if Sai knows what effect he has and if he considers it amusing because it isn't for Ogata. Never in his life has his heart ever race the way it does outside of Go and he curses himself for being pathetically helpless.

Helpless. That's what Sai causes him to be. Somehow, someway, he is able to completely render his stoicism into a pile of goo, reducing him into a jumbled mess of emotion that he has spent his entire life avoiding.

"What are you so deep in thought for?"

Ogata almost leaps in surprise. He turns around, expression less than pleased as he places a hand on his heart. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" Sai giggles once more, a sound that is music to Ogata's ears. Seeing how genuinely bemused he is, Ogata finds himself unable to be annoyed longer than two seconds despite the fact that he never takes lightly to anyone who pulls a prank on him. "Now I see why you get along with Shindou. You two are kids." He shakes his head in his half-hearted attempt to insult Sai. 

"Well, it complements our relationship nicely, doesn't it?" Sai smiles and Ogata now  _really_  wonder if he's doing it on purpose. No one can be so completely gullible as to not realise that they are clearly hitting on someone, right? But again Sai is something else and that really is within the realm of possibility that he doesn't know what he's doing. "It's no fun if both of us brood or pick on each other."

"I do  _not_ brood."

The long-haired male laughs before he calms down and gazes at Ogata with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Want to have a game with that on the line?"

Sai can really be a pain in the ass sometimes. A pain in the ass who stops at nothing to request a game with some sort of stakes. Initially, it was Ogata who proposed it and Sai was more than happy to humour him, and still is. At some point, they also have a drinking game with the loser having to chug cans of beer that didn't end up very pretty for Ogata who ended up passing out on the couch after the fifth losing streak and an increasingly terrible game. The one thing that is taboo to bet on is the story regarding Sai's past and Ogata has been considerate enough to not put that on the line—not that he ever wins against Sai.

Crossing his arms and leaning forward to answer it with pride of his own, Ogata watches Sai flicking his Ogi fan open and he smirks. "You're on."

Ogata loses and that only means that he does, indeed, brood.

.

Never before has Ogata been so grateful for those few moments he spent watching his mother working her way through medicinal tools as it allows him to apply the seemingly random bit of knowledge that he thought he will never use in his life, to aid someone who he has come to care a great deal about.

Carefully, Ogata slathers his hands with alcohol-based sanitiser prior to handling the macro set and needles provided. Ensuring that there are no air bubbles present in the line and it isn't making direct contact with the floor, he inserts the tubing into the cannula hub and watches as Sai winces upon slowly feeling cold liquid running into him before he glances at Ogata with admiration, eyes glimmering.

"You really know your way around these very strange tools." The long-haired male remarks softly as he takes his time observing how the fluid flows into the drip chamber and into the transparent tubing.

Ogata chuckles lightly, unfolding his long blue sleeves as to avoid crinkles and works to dispose of the old IV bag, letting Sai sit in silence and enjoy the hot cup of tea on the dining table. "My mother is a doctor. She taught me a little bit and pieces of what her career entails. Not exactly appetising, might I say."

Sai takes a small sip of the oolong tea and smiles in satisfaction when the hot water runs into his throat and warms his belly, then he sets the cup down onto the saucer with a soft clink. "Have you ever considered any other career, Seiji?"

"Not really," He answers, patting his freshly washed hands dry as he emerges from the bathroom and joins Sai on the dining table. "Have you?"

"Go was and is all that I have." Sai lifts his head to look at his conversation partner in the eyes and notices how the cold stoicism that he maintains outside the apartment slowly crumbling into dust, leaving only kindness and patience behind. Such beautiful ochre brown eyes, glimmering with bottomless affection that no one ever has the chance of revelling in, all for Sai to marvel at. "This tastes fantastic, Seiji." He smiles, watching his reflection on the translucent brown tea water.

Ogata smirks, index finger on his lips and elbow lounging on the hand rest of the chair. "I'm pretty good at brewing coffee and tea," He pauses as he leans in to take a small piece of chocolate in the middle of the desk and put it in his mouth. "And trouble, when I feel like it."

Hearing it, Sai finds himself unable to suppress a laugh. He covers his lips with his kimono sleeves and it's a sight that never fails to warm Ogata's heart. The fact that not only is Sai willing to keep him company, he seems to legitimately enjoy it as well. A refreshing sight such as the one he's having the honour of witnessing is enough to make him crave more and he suddenly discovers that he wants to see just what other reaction he can coax from Sai.

And perhaps it's the reason why he finds himself desperately striving to improve his Go every day, even harder than he has ever before because he thirsts for the day where he will, at last, get the better of Sai. He can only imagine what look of pride will glimmer in Sai's honest eyes.

"Feeling up for a game?" Questions Ogata as Sai takes a chocolate chip cookie.

"I thought you'd never ask!" The man beams with excitement that provokes a soft rumble of laughter from Ogata's throat. "So, what's on the table today?" Sai giggles rather mischievously, watching his friend grabbing the leg-less Go-ban and two Go-ke off the coffee table to arrange it on the dining table.

"Hm, let's see," The Judan leans in to take a bowl of black stone as they nigiri. It might have been the alcohol or even perhaps the fact that Sai has managed to convince him to completely let his walls down that makes the bold side of him surface. Either way, Ogata almost regrets ever allowing the cheeky words to slip out of his tongue. "What about a kiss?"

Thank the gods that the offer comes out more than a little slurred so when Sai questions him about it later when he is fully sober, he can quickly defend himself by claiming that his common sense has been clouded by the whiskey. Well, not like it's the essence of the problem. The main issue that Ogata has is the fact that such thought even crosses his mind. After all, the last time he develops anything that remotely resembles a romantic crush over lust is, well, never. And Ogata knows for a fact that if it is libido that he holds for Sai, the bet will no longer be about a kiss, but about sex.

"A kiss?" There are a few moments of silence as Sai blinks, a tinge of red creeping on his cheeks. Before Ogata can brush it off a joke, Sai nods. "Cheek or, ah, lips?"

Seeing the innocent and irresistible expression, Ogata chuckles and tries his best to salvage himself before his impulsive feelings manage to get the better of him as his hunch says that once he has a taste of the temptation, there will be no turning back. "I'm just joking. You're too gullible." He states and perhaps it's not necessary because thus far, he hasn't managed to best Sai even once. However, he doesn't want to turn their refreshing relationship into an uncomfortable one if, by miracle, he does win.

Sai's eyes widen slightly as he studies Ogata for a split second before he purses his lips, this time opting to stare at the Go-ban. "Ah, is that so?" He retorts softly that it almost sounds like he's disappointed.

Disappointed? _Yeah, right._

To avoid Sai's sullen eyes, Ogata clutches the hand rest of the chair to drag it forward, putting him closer to the Go-ban. "Let's just have a friendly game, shall we?" Says Ogata with a forced stoicism.

"Of course." Sai answers after a short pause.

If the silence and lack of eye contact throughout the game is something to go by, Ogata realises that withdrawing the bet is a self-atari.


	3. Chapter 3

Alright, Ogata  _did_  plan on drinking that night, but he vowed to not get smashed to the point where he feels like he's in cloud nine, yet here he is, smashed to the point where he feels like he's in cloud nine. All he wanted to do is to spend time with Sai as they play against the Chinese and Koreans that are attending the afterparty alongside them. After all, Ogata absolutely cannot get enough of seeing Sai's eyes that sparkle in elation after his Hokuto matches. That's the basis of his excuse to drag the man into the alcohol-heavy party environment: to spend time with Sai under the pretence of more games against international players.

One thing that Ogata fails to inform Sai is that both Hikaru and Akira have been invited and are most likely going to come. As a result, Sai feels no pressing need to stay sober as he quickly gives in to Ogata's persuasion.

They only managed to complete one full game to the best of their ability before their heads start to spin and the music becomes muffled. Even Touya hasn't been entirely safe from this predicament as his cheeks are also flushed, although nowhere as red as Ogata and Sai's who starts to laugh a little too much at the unfunniest joke. This leads to both of them opening on tengen against the Koreans that they're playing.

"Hey, Sai," Ogata chuckles unevenly as his head sways, an indication that he is far from this world.

"Mmhm?" The long-haired male answers just as shakily, fingers struggling to stay still and place the stone in a way that he won't knock the existing ones out of position.

"Do you know what my shirt is made of?" The smirk that is plastered on Ogata's lips is enough to make Touya shake his head and look away, knowing full well where the new Meijin is going with that question. Sai, however, only blinks questioningly. Seeing the confused look, Ogata grins and he inches his head forward to place it on Sai's shoulder. "...Boyfriend material."

It takes Sai a few seconds to fully understand the meaning of Ogata's statement, but when he does, he throws his head back and laughs, not forgetting to cover his lips even when under the influence of alcohol. "Oh, Seiji," Sai giggles. "You're drunk."

"'m not drunk," Responds Ogata, still with a smirk. "Just intoxicated by you."

Touya shakes his head once more, somehow managing to not bury his face in his hands because frankly, for the past few days, that's all he wanted to do. The repressed sexual tension between Sai and Ogata has been through the roof and trust the two to not have a clue about it. Sharing a bedroom with the two makes him feel like he's a teenager once more.

"Seiji!" Sai giggles, hitting the man on the shoulder lightly.

Ogata chuckles once more, finding himself suddenly unable to focus on anything except the beautiful man next to him. Sai, a man so full of mystery, Ogata hungers to uncover everything there is to know about him. Yes, he knows the truth about Sai, but there is still  _so_ much left unexplored. He wants to sit with him one day and talk the night away, only accompanied by ice-cold cans of beer and Go. Truly his idea of a perfect night.

Still in awe, Ogata continues to shamelessly stare at Sai, not paying the game any attention. He is easily the most gorgeous human being Ogata has ever had the pleasure of meeting, both inside and outside. However, he is so unattainable, so far away. There is no plausible way that Sai will ever reciprocate his feelings, a feeling that he has spent his entire life pushing away. He curses himself. Out of everyone, Ogata has to choose the most unrealistic goal. Sai is the epitome of perfection and such heavenly beauty deserves a lot more than a man devoid of compassion.

Sai moves his long, slender fingers slowly to tuck his hair behind his ear and Ogata finds himself entranced. His breath becomes heavy with desire. He longs to know what Sai hides underneath the loose kimono. Is his skin just as flawless? What kind of sound and expression will be set free when Ogata runs his rough fingers along his slim body?

Ogata's insides start to burn up the more he pictures the filthy fantasy, one that will never come true. He never realised just how painful one-sided affection is.

Shaking his head to brush the thought off, the bespectacled male straightens his back, plays a move that looks good and downs one more shot. The alcohol no longer sears his tongue or have any taste. As far as he is concerned, it's water that he's drinking and it's probably not a very smart idea to keep at it but Ogata is only concerned on keeping his lewd fantasies in his head.

"Mm, yeah," Ogata nods along to the beat playing in the bar. After the upbeat music, a soft and slow one is nice for a change. He sways his head left and right, humming along. "I love this music." It must be all the alcohol that halts his common sense as Ogata stands up and takes Sai's hands. "I know. Let's dance."

"Dance?" Sai laughs in response, but not allows himself to be dragged to a standing position. "Seiji, we are not in the headspace to do such dextrous activity..."

"Who cares?" Pulling the man to the dance floor where a few people and couples have already started before them, Ogata chuckles, his feet unsteady as he totters forward. When they finally reach the dance floor, people are quick to make way for Team Japan's drunken first and third board, curiosity piqued. "Okay, so... like this..." Ogata mumbles under his breath, taking Sai's left hand and lifts it up shakily. His right hand soon squirms its way underneath Sai's arm to rest on his shoulder blade. "Grab my shoulder." Sai complies, unaware of the eyes that now are focused on them.

"One step backwards," Ogata mumbles, leading the movement by taking a step forward and Sai lets himself to be guided. The two sways back and forth and manages to somehow not trip over each other thanks to Ogata's concise direction. The dance is far from graceful or perfect, but it's enough for Sai to sigh in contentment and rests his cheek on the crook of Ogata's neck.

Feeling the hot breath blowing against his skin, Ogata holds his breath. Despite having consumed alcohol all night, the signature lavender smell still lingers on his long, silky hair. His bangs drape down and tickle Ogata, making his skin tingle with want. He longs to claim Sai as his own, to protect and love him, to erase the dreadful memories from those thousand years ago and replace them with something much more pleasant.

People will be quick to compare them and declare that they are North and South, that they are one half of asymptote line that will inevitably draw closer but will never be together. However, he knows that Sai and he shares a story. How Sai, despite his cheerful nature, hides bitter loneliness that cannot be sated through verbal communication alone. After being without company for hundreds of years, he wants nothing more than to establish a connection that will never be severed hence why in the beginning, he clung to Shindou as if he will cease to exist if they are apart. Although Sai seems to have found a way to solve it, Ogata's insight is not to be trifled with. He knows better than that. Sai is still searching, looking for someone who will be able to put his mind at ease, someone to settle with.

Ogata will never claim to know what it feels like, to be without contact for such a long time. However, it is one of the few things that he can sympathise with. Under his calm and cold demeanour, he battles the quietness of his life. He claims that he loves the silence, but deep down, his soul longs for a company. Ogata can never escape the soft whisper in the back of his head to open his door and allow someone in. A person who is able to accept him for who he is, someone who he can settle with. It would be easy for him to start dropping more obvious hints regarding his feelings and it's not that Ogata doesn't want to. It's that he feels like he is not a good enough man for Sai.

However, he finds that his controlled stoicism crumbles under the alcohol and all semblance of self-restraint falls with it as he whispers into Sai's ear, "You're so beautiful."

Sai pulls back, blinking, sober enough to notice the tenderness and sincerity in Ogata's voice. The bespectacled man makes no attempt to take it all back, instead opting to look into Sai's amethyst eyes, still moving in rhythm to the music.

Even when intoxicated, Sai still manages to tell the truth with his eyes alone and inside, Ogata can see no disgust. They are filled with affection and love, something that Ogata doesn't deserve. All his life, he has done nothing but hurt and takes advantage of others--he doesn't deserve to be looked at with such unfiltered fondness. In a matter of seconds, Ogata's breathing becomes jagged as he tries his damnedest to bury the rising warmth inside of him. Sai is mere centimetres away, unmoving except for his feet.

 _"Steady... steady... steady..."_ Ogata chastises himself for his lack of self-control, eyes still unable to be ripped away from Sai. If he doesn't break the contact now, Ogata knows that his restraints will snap. They  _are_ drunk, but this much they will be able to remember tomorrow. Doing anything impulsive will only serve as a detriment in their relationship, one that Ogata doesn't want to taint or risk chipping.

Sai, however, seems to think otherwise as he closes his eyes and leans in to brush his lips against Ogata's.

Ogata gasps and flinches but does not pull away. Sai's lips are soft and shaky as if asking if such gesture is acceptable. Ogata sighs and gives in to temptation. He presses against Sai, so warm and tender, the tension that wrapped him slowly untangle. He should withdraw, he should walk away, but he is not a strong enough man to let go of the one he cherishes.

As they sway to the music, Ogata wonders if Sai will teach him how to love too.


	4. Chapter 4

"Ogata-san." Comes a familiar soft voice that belongs to no other than Akira. However, today it is adorned with a little edge of frustration. From that, Ogata realises that he is in for an uncomfortable conversation that he can perhaps do without. So, without further ado, he walks past Akira, blowing smoke out of his lips as he does so.

Ogata misses Akira's polite and reserved attitude, he really does. Before Hikaru and the whole Sai shenanigans, he can never imagine the boy grabbing him by the wrist as tightly as he humanly can instead of letting him walk away when he clearly isn't in the mood for conversation. Staring at where Akira scrunches up his suit jacket, Ogata frowns. 

"Let me go." He says sharply, but instead of budging, Akira's eyes pierce through him as if determined to best him in a Go match.

"What have you done, Ogata-san?" The younger professional hisses, a sign that he will not back down until a satisfactory answer is thrown his way. The more Ogata tries to pull his hand away, the tighter Akira's fingers coil around him. 

"This is none of your business." Answers Ogata at last, looking away from the other male to inhale. The head of the cigarette between his fingers glows orange as he does so.

"Anything that involves him  _is_  my business as much as it is Hikaru's." Akira retorts, still brimming with impatience and repressed anger as his shoulders tense and feet planted firmly on the ground. "What did you do to Fujiwara-sensei?"

Sighing exasperatedly, Ogata shakes his head as he bites his lower lips, wanting nothing more than this conversation to be over. He doesn't need anyone to tell him how idiotic he is because he has had enough of his conscience trying to argue the case too. "I can't do it, Touya." He mutters. "He deserves better than me."

"This is what is wrong with you, Ogata-san!" Akira yells out, making his conversational partner flinch at the display of aggression unusual to the mild-mannered young man. "You hide behind this self-sacrificing, holier-than-thou attitude, spitting out nonsensical excuses to why you don't want to commit all to make you feel better about yourself. You know full well that he trusts his heart to only you, but you turn away from him. You're a  _complete_  and  _total_  conceited jerk." Ogata's hand is thrown back to him as Akira's teeth grind against each other, fury seeping out of his very being.

"You're not fooling anyone." He continues, this time walking past Ogata with heavy footsteps. "You're just a coward." 

Silence envelopes the room after the door behind him is slammed. The ticking of the clock and the breeze coming into the room has never suffocated Ogata so. 

"Damn it!" He throws the cigarette to the ground, stomping at it with a force that he never thought possible. One thing that he hates is being told off by someone younger than him, but the one thing that he loathes more than this is when he knows their statement is the truth.

His relationship with Sai is not an official one, by any means. They never once talked about it, but from the few stolen, some chaste some passionate kisses that they share, he knows that there is no denying that Sai cherishes him. Sai believes that he is a good man worthy of his heart and love but Ogata is far from it. He is selfish, cynical, manipulative and most importantly, a coward. A spineless bastard who will go to any length to shy away from the vulnerability that he experiences whenever he is together with someone he treasures. He is not a good man, never will be and Sai is gravely mistaken to trust in him.

Ogata is repulsed at himself whenever he sees how Sai's eyes are always full of bottomless affection whenever they are together, whenever their fingers intertwine, whenever their lips touch. Always so full of affection, a false reaction to Ogata's true personality. Never before has he ever felt one's expectations weigh heavily on his shoulders.

Akira is right. Ogata is far too scared to love. He has spent so long closing his heart off that he doesn't remember what it feels like to want or be wanted. Sai, on the other hand, is far from it. He is drawn to wherever his heart so desire, and he isn't afraid to take what little joy he can find and isn't afraid to be selectively selfish in claiming his own happiness it makes Ogata wonder if the Sai from that distant past was just as overwhelmingly passionate about finding his place in the world, or if perhaps those long, lonely years opened his eyes and made him who he is. If so, will Ogata also need one thousand years to come to terms with his feelings?

Sai is only human. Ogata realises that he doesn't have forever to fight his own conscience and soon, he has to make a decision or Sai will make it for him. Somehow, Ogata knows that if comes the day when the most patient of all finally snap, nothing will ever be the same anymore for them. They will not simply revert back into friends, but they will become strangers with memories.

And that is a reality that Ogata cannot live with.

He treasures Sai, no, he is in love with Sai, absolutely head over heels. He hates how weak and vulnerable it makes him, hates how he teeters on the edge as he decides which decision will result in him falling deep into the bottomless abyss, left to regret the choice not taken. Ogata is only delaying the inevitable by prolonging his inner fight and sooner or later, Sai will be the one to finally push him over the edge. Perhaps it's time to claim what he truly desires without second thinking. 

Perhaps it's time to be  _himself_  and be selfish.

Sai never once asked him to change even a speck of his personality. So, why is he trying so hard to be someone who he isn't? Why is he trying to be a perfect man, one that is deserving of Sai's pure and sincere love when in reality, all he has to offer is himself as he is? Ogata, the selfish, crude and sarcastic asshole who only thinks of himself. Not Ogata, the considerate and self-sacrificing man who thinks everyone around him is a delicate and flimsy balsa wood who is not capable of making a sound decision on their own. 

Ogata has no right to dictate what Sai can and cannot do. If he chooses to pour his love to a man like Ogata, who is he to deny that? No amount of women will drain Sai off his affection in a click of a finger. All Ogata has accomplished is severing the bond that he badly wants to protect.

There is nothing left to do but to apologise for the hardship he caused Sai and hopes that he is kind enough to give him a second chance at love. 

.

The next time Ogata spots Sai is in the hallway after his Oteai match. He is standing outside the match area along with his beloved students and discussing the highlights of their matches. Ogata immediately feels like a stranger. He hasn't attended Sai's classes for the past few weeks, and he wonders if he still has any right to intrude.

However, shaking his head, Ogata walks forward firmly. His footsteps resolute as his voice echoes along the narrow hallway.

"Sai."

He can visibly the man's shoulders tensing as soon as he hears his voice, a tell-tale sign that he recognises him already. Tentatively, Sai turns around.

"I'm sorry." Ogata starts, his voice slightly wavering but he manages to look at Sai in the eyes.  _"I'm sorry that I think, even for a second, that you aren't capable of making your own decision. I'm sorry that I took the liberty to dictate what is right for you. I'm sorry that I hurt you."_  is what he wants to say, but instead, his words betray him. "I'm an idiot." He mumbles

In response, Sai narrows his eyes, as if saying 'you are' and bitter disappointment vividly shown through the way he remains still. Ogata shouldn't be forgiven. If it was him, he will never pardon a mistake that he just made. Although it will be an excruciating blow, he will accept defeat if Sai decides that he is no longer worth his time.

However, Ogata does not want everything to come down to it. The moment when he sees the doubt in Sai's eyes that refuse to budge and the way his lips part just to close once more, Ogata decides to swallow his pride and push himself to claim what is his before anyone else can.

"S-Seiji!" Sai's surprise is highlighted by the way his voice becomes slightly more high-pitched. He immediately makes his way towards the bespectacled male whose knees and forehead touching the floor. "You don't have to do this! Please lift your head!"

Even after everything that Ogata has done, Sai still finds it in him to be kind. Ogata doesn't know how he does it, and the more he tries to come up with an answer, the harder he presses his temple against the cold floor.

"I'm sorry, Sai. All I wanted to do is to preserve our friendship but I didn't take into account your feelings. That was low of me and I promise that there will be no repeat of it." Ogata pleads, his voice crumbling along with his trained stoicism. Losing Sai is the only thing he dreads more than letting his emotions loose for everyone to see. He has been blind, or more accurately, has turned a blind eye to his true feelings, all to satisfy his ego. "I'm an idiot. I haven't the slightest idea how relationships work and I was too scared to take the plunge."

Still refusing to lift his head, Ogata continues. "All you ever give me in return is kindness and affection, again and again. We're too different, I thought. There's no way this will ever work out, I thought. I was scared of losing you even before I claimed you as mine." Ogata's throat burns as if a piece of charcoal somehow finds its way into his larynx and lodged itself inside him. "I'm just a socially inept asshole, so self-centred and insensitive, yet despite that, you accept me for who I am."

Not for the first time in his life, he will do absolutely anything in his power to emerge victorious in this complex game of life, just like he will give it his all to a Go match. It will never be as easy as he would like it to, but that is always the beauty of the game. The unpredictability, the importance of every single move, the ever-shifting tide of battle and how each and every match will be different than the other. Most importantly, the difference that the player sitting in front of him will make. If they contribute equally to the board, a masterpiece that will make both players shine will be crafted.

"Seiji," Sai whispers softly, his voice so sweet like the first bloom of Sakura tree in spring, gently swayed by the wind. His hand finds its way on Ogata's back, resting there soothingly and encouraging the man to finally loosen his shoulders and look at Sai. "You're mistaken." He smiles. "I don't love you despite that. I love you  _because_ of that."

Ogata swallows, unsure of what else he can say that will weight as heavily as that. However, he decides that perhaps words aren't needed. He is a man of action, after all, and if Sai is willing to love him as he is, he will understand.

So, Ogata leans in to capture Sai's soft lips in a tender kiss as he takes the both of them to a standing position, a hand tangles itself in Sai's silky hair. From the way that Sai returns the display of affection, pressing deeper into Ogata's lips and chest, he decides that he will not say that he loves Sai. He will  _show_  it.

After all, in a way, life is like Go, and Go is the only way he knows how to create a meaningful connection.

Ogata might be an idiot, but at least Sai isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done and done!
> 
> Good job, Ogata. You did it, ya big nerd.
> 
> Please leave comments/kudos if you guys enjoyed it! ^_^


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